


We`re much cooler than Avengers, bro!

by albalonga99



Category: Football RPF, Real Madrid RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Crack, M/M, stripper!James, superhero!Gareth Bale, superhero!James Rodriguez, superhero!Karim Benzema, supervillain!Luis Suarez
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:59:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albalonga99/pseuds/albalonga99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Superheroes Mr Taff and SuperBenz recruit new superhero The Golden Boy to fight supervillan Señor Diente who wants to destroy football superclub Real Madrid, starting with its biggest star Cristiano Ronaldo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Gareth spread his hands wide more for show than for balance and landed easily on the rooftop. SuperBenz was already waiting for him in his black spandex suit, looking out in the distance.  
“You are late.” SuperBenz said with his awful French accent.  
“You are late.” Gareth mouthed exaggerating SuperBenz`s accent. He did it quietly. But he knew SuperBenz would hear `cause – you know – SuperBenz has superhearing and all.  
“Very mature, Taff.” SuperBenz scalded.  
Gareth grew his biceps instantly, threateningly showed off his guns and firmly stated: “It`s Mister Taff to you, frenchy.”  
SuperBenz wasn`t impressed, at all. “Whatever, rosbif. I do not have time for your… connerie… bullshit. We have a mission.”  
Gareth let his biceps to shrink to their standard size and frowned.  
“Together?”  
“Unfortunately.” Benz answered.  
“But why? They know we hate each other. We can`t work together. Don`t they remember the last time? Those yanks are still fixing their white building…” Gareth was baffled.  
“It is called White House, you imbécile.” Benz rolled his eyes exasperatedly.  
“Who the fuck cares what`s it called. Just tell me what so terrible has happened that they are ready to risk potential world war three by putting us together again.”  
“Thankfully nothing awful has happened yet. But they believe something extremely tragic is about to happen because Señor Diente is back.”  
“That shithead? What the fuck does he want now? I thought he retired to some tropic rock with no extradition rights.”  
“Well apparently that shithead, as you called him, is back. And he is planning to destroy something sacred.”  
“What? Another bank? Yanks rebuilt their Fort Knox pretty well. So he blows-up another house full of money, takes some of it. Whatever. I`m not bothered.” Gareth shruged his shoulders. He really doesn`t understand what is the big deal.  
“Just stop and listen, imbécile. It is much worse this time. He wants to kill humanity this time. He plans to destroy the best game in the world and then wipe it from people`s memories. He wants to kill football.” Benz, who is always calm and collected, sounded distressed and truly worried for once.  
“No fucking way!” Gareth exclaimed. This is too close to home. Football is the king of sports. Football is Gareth`s favorite game. “I won`t let it happen! I won`t let him kill football! Where is he? What`s his plan?”  
“Good questions, Taff. The intel shows he will go for the best – he will try to destroy the best football club in the world.”  
“Real Madrid? No! It`s my favorite club. They are amazing.”  
“Finally we agree on something. Now – let`s go. We have to catch the next flight to Madrid.”  
Gareth stoped Benz by grabbing his wrist. “I have a better idea.” He sayed.  
“No, don`t even think about it…” Benz protested.  
But it was to no avail. Gareth was stronger. He lifted kicking and screaming Benz over his shoulder in firemen carry and took off the building flying straight up higher and higher.  
“The weather is perfect for a little flight, don`t you think, frenchy?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I`m so sorry. Turns out I can`t update that often even with small chapters. :( So, no system or regularity to the updates but i`m still here and will be writing when I can.  
> You`ll finally meet James in chapter 3 but he is still no-show in chapter 2 - sorry. :(

Gareth and Benz managed to get to Madrid without any serious accidents.  
(If you don`t count three separate occasions when Benz`s gentle stomach just couldn`t take it anymore and he started throwing up to which Gareth responded by letting him go because – really – who wants frenchy`s second hand breakfast on him. That`s just gross! Seriously. It`s not like Gareth was flying that fast and the turbulence was that strong. And it`s not like Gareth ever let Benz hit the ground. He always caught him… about two meters above the ground. But still. Gareth had no idea that Benz could get such high-pitched sounds out of him. It was just so funny! Squealing frenchy! Who could blame him for enjoying the fun for as long as he could – thus – letting Benz almost hit the ground before catching him and lifting him back up.  
And there was that one time they almost crashed into plane… No, it totally wasn`t Gareth`s fault. Those new age suckers fly so quietly! And actually – it totally was Benz`s fault – he was supposed to be the one with the superhearing. Why Benz was screaming a litany in French after Gareth barely managed to escape the crash was a mystery to Gareth…  
And of course there was that one time when a stupid bird collided with them. Gareth managed to turn away - as in – Gareth turned away while pushing Benz in front of himself… It couldn`t be that painful to head-butt a bird, could it? Yeah, that fucker was quite large but still – Benz was supposed to be a superhero. How was Gareth to know that he didn`t have a superstrengh? Gareth thought it was a given – if you called yourself a superhero you gotta have a superstrengh. Turned out – Benz? Not so much – no. Thus Benz got a big bump on the middle of his forehead. And was giving Gareth a silent treatment for the last leg of the flight. Whatever. it`s not like Gareth wanted to listen to stupid frenchy and his stupid accent. Silence was a lot better to enjoy the sights – such a beautiful, puffy clouds all around them. Just endless clouds. Just clouds. White, swimming clouds. Clouds and more clouds. Like big comfy cushions. So soft… Yeah, okay. So maybe Gareth fell asleep there for a moment… It totally wasn`t his fault that those freaking clouds looked like comfy cushions. What`s the big deal? It`s not like he didn`t wake up. He did. And okay – yeah – maybe they dropped a mile or two and almost hit a rooftop of some old Spanish cathedral but Gareth totally didn`t deserve to be called all those colorful words Benz used. And all of them in English because Benz wanted to make sure Gareth understood each and every insult directed his way…)  
Yeah, if you didn`t count all that (and Gareth didn`t) the flight was quite uneventful and boring…  
So Gareth was very confused when he safely delivered Benz to the rooftop of some high building in the center of Madrid and got an angry French fist in his face for his trouble. Maybe frenchy got some superstrengh after all because that blow to his face – hurt like bitch! Gareth schooled in his reaction to unexpected pain like a highly trained professional he was and squeaked like a little girl (that he wasn`t! Honestly! It was a totally manly squeak, okay?).  
“Wha-? What was that for?”  
Pale and sick looking Benz with a swelling, bright read bump right in the middle of his forehead opened his mouth to respond, but no sounds came out of it. After moving his lips for a few seconds, Benz stopped, closed his mouth, sighed long-sufferingly, looked up at the sky as if asking for patience to some higher power and then just turned and walked away leaving Gareth standing there and pouting miserably.  
“Hey, where are you going? Frenchy, come on? Wait for me! Benz? Are you angry? Why are you angry? Did I do something?” Gareth was genuinely confused as he followed Benz.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I`m finally getting back some inspiration for this fic. Can`t promise anything but here is chapter 3. And it gets more serious... Or not. I don`t know really were this will take me. But make sure you check new tags I added.

James gently moved his hips to the rhythm of the music. Crowd was cheering and whistling. Banknotes of five and even some ten euro value was flying on the stage. It was a good crowd tonight.   
James looked more carefully at the crowd, trying to spot that one of his fans he liked the most. His eyes stopped at every man with beard and mustache but soon wandered further because no one of them was Mr. Beard...  
James sighed in disappointment. Not only Mr. Beard gave the best tips for James` dance but he always looked at James` with such a longing and adoration that it always made James feel special, sexy and not as just another cheap stripper.  
“Take it off, take it off, baby boy?” Someone screamed.   
“Yeah, take it off, you little slut!” Someone else shouted.  
James sighed.  
It`s not like he expected any other treatment. He got called slut and bitch all the time. He was used to it. Some people thought that strippers were the same as prostitutes. But thank God Mr. Zidane who was running this club and was a former stripper himself saw the distinction between those two very clearly – he never let patrons touch his dancers – you could look and you could talk and you could throw your money on stage but if you ever touched you got banned from the club – at first for the night but if you disobeyed the rule again – you would be banned forever. That was the main reason why James was working here at Zizu`s because, even if no one knew this, it wasn`t safe for people to touch James…  
No! James won`t think about it now, won`t remember bad things in his past and his own curse. James would give to the patrons the show they were paying for. James stuck his thumbs under his tight, sparkling gold briefs and tantalizingly slow pushed them over his hips… Cheers got deafeningly loud.  
It was closer to the morning than evening when James was finally going home. It was a warm august night but James was wearing his usual kit – Jeans, long sleeve hoodie, gloves covering his hands.   
James liked night time. Madrid was quieted at night, less cars, less people who could touch him accidentally. But still James was tilting his head to the ground. It was a reflex by now. Even though he had taught himself to never smile in places where people could see him, it was safer to hide his face as much as possible. He always danced to very sad, slow melodies, melodies that made him nostalgic and melancholic, melodies that naturally put him in the state where he didn`t even want to smile. But here on the street you could never predict what will be waiting for you just around the corner. It could be a carefree child or a playful puppy. And if James saw any of those, he won`t be able to stop smile from changing his whole face. And if someone saw that smile… No, James didn`t want fake affection, he hated how men and women were captured by uncontrollable desire and lust whenever they saw his smile. No one can ever see his smile just like no one ever can feel his touch. One could end badly for James and the other for other people. Why he had been given those two curses James would probably never know. He sighed sadly. He would always be lonely – no friends, no love, no affection.   
Suddenly James stopped because he noticed a large poster on the wall. Poster promoting the start of the football season. Real Madrid with its biggest start right in the center of the poster. Cristiano Ronaldo, the greatest player in the world. James was frozen on the spot mesmerized.   
“So beautiful…“ James murmured and at that moment James had forgotten all the caution. Big smile stretched his lips as he was looking up at the poster of the most beautiful man in the world.  
\---  
“Where the fuck are we going, frenchy?” Gareth was tired and starving.  
“Tais-toi! Shut up, Taff!” Benz answered.  
Gareth grumbled under his breath but followed anyway. He made just a couple of steps when he suddenly hit the wall. No, not the wall, but Benz, who had suddenly stopped and was looking at something on his right with strange expression on his face. Gareth turned to see what Benz was looking at when his heart stopped and then started to work on a completely different rhythm. Just about twenty meters from them there was the most beautiful creature Gareth had ever seen. He wanted the boy, he needed him now.   
“Mine.” Gareth whispered and tried to get around Benz to reach the beautiful boy as fast as possible. But Benz suddenly pushed him away.  
“No, frenchy. The boy is mine!”  
Gareth doen`t really know who made the first punch but soon it was a real fight between him and SuperBenz. He was stronger and faster but Benz could read his every next move. They were both out of breath and the ground when he looked to where he had seen the boy last, but the boy wasn`t there anymore. The Boy was gone.  
“Now we lost him! And it`s all your fault!” Benz reproached.  
“Shut up, frenchy! Did you see which way he went?”  
“I wouldn`t be here with you if I had seen where he went…” Benz answered, rolling his eyes. “We need to find him! Now!”  
“At least on that I completely agree with you!”  
Gareth stood up first and offered his hand to Benz. Benz ignored it and got up by himself.  
“Can you hear anything?” Gareth asked.   
“Shhh…” was Benz` only answer. He was listening intently and few minutes later he said: “This way!” and Gareth followed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay - long notes as usual.
> 
> This will be that cracky superhero AU nobody asked for. :D
> 
> First of all - I really have very little time to write. I will try to write a very short chapter everyday, edit it and post it. I hate WIPs. If you too hate WIPs, just ignore this fic until it is - hopefully - finished. If you choose to read it - you are welcome to scream at me if I don`t manage to update daily as I am planning to. 
> 
> Adidas #there will be haters ads are just to good to not write superhero AU inspired by those.
> 
> If you are confused:  
> Mr Taff - Gareth Bale. He is superstrong and can fly.  
> SuperBenz - Karim Benzema. He has superhearing, he can read people minds.  
> Señor Diente - Luis Suarez. He is supervillain who has superspeed and his venomous bite can kill.  
> The Golden Boy - James Rodriguez. He can turn things into gold and people kinda have an instant boner for him just from seeing his smile... :)
> 
> Dictionary:  
> Taff - in England they call Welsh people that.  
> Diente - means "tooth" in Spanish (*cackling madly* Just couldn`t help myself!)  
> Frenchy - British slang forFrench people.  
> Rosbif - French slang for British people.  
> Connerie - bullshit in French.  
> Imbécile - idiot in French.  
> Yanks or Yankees - Americans.  
> There will be more as more chapters are posted.
> 
> All the translations - got them from practicing my googlefu. If you see something wrong and start screaming - is this author a complete idiot? - you are totally allowed to but only if you tell me and help me correct it. If you don`t then just shut up!
> 
> It will be slow built but in the end there will be Crismes and Gareth/Karim. Maybe I`ll imply some other pairings along the way. But anyway - there will be superhero super sex in the future, so be warned - rating will get Explicit in the future.
> 
> This is my attempt at crack. First ever. So - sorry.
> 
> Not beta`ed. All the mistakes are mine. Let me know and I will correct. English is not my first language so pardon my mistakes.


End file.
